[insert every bright eyes lyrics ever]
I smoked a thousand cigarettes from when I met her to when she left.
What I am without situation? I have come to realise that my life can, with almost embarrassing ease, be split up into a handful of very definitive events. Not just frequent, menial junctures, but ones that carry such a gravity they cause all other part of my life cascade aberrantly, pirouetting in the fear that nothing past this occurrence will remain unchanged and, surely, the best days were those that came before; those that predate. It’s paralysing. But suddenly, though often quietly, and seemingly unfathomable at the time, a new event occurs, be it for better or for worse, shadowing all that came before it, and the cycle repeats. I’m sure this is how all function; I’m not claiming solitude in this. So why, dear friend, is this so important? Why, if I recognise this as commonplace, do I feel the need to express it in grandiose manner? Because for the first time, or at least for the first time since I felt the pull, the twist, the boring of such a life altering occasion, I am no longer orbiting in the shadows of one.
So where does that leave me? Where am I if not trapped in the force of something so colossal? Simple - I am nowhere. I’m in the vacuum, floating aimlessly, listlessly towards whatever will take me. A chance meeting here, and forced one there; life hosted by silhouettes of hollow smiles and well-crafted opening lines. Yet one thing is for certain, I am lost. So lost that freedom’s apparent sweetness is a concern, as if only danger could survive in this vastness. There is no civilisation here. I’ve seen the men who tread these paths, and if I was to bite down into this ‘blessing’, as it would be called, that life has given me, I would be drunk on its juices in a matter of weeks and shackled to these paths soon after. So I wish, with sad desperation, for even a nudge towards something healthy.